RUN WILD

 MAGGIE AND HER KOI

Voice journal from  July 10, 2016
5:44 PM

When Maggie May got older people would look at her and say oh she's so slow and hobbling. It's so sad she can't run anymore (yes, people actually said this). As I'm walking through the woods right now I'm thinking I'm glad I gave her the chance to run wild and free and crazy off leash and through the woods with wild abandon even if possibly it did aggravate her hips or make some things worse in old age... because it was what she was born to do... it was what she was. I don't think she was sad she couldn't run anymore. I think when she stood & looked across the golf course or at the woods, she was remembering all those incredible times that she flew through the woods and swam for hours. And I like to think she felt it was better to have done that and have those incredible memories embedded into her being than having just lived a safe half life. I hope the memories were good enough. And I hope that when I am 90, and maybe can't be on trails anymore, that the thoughts and memories I have of my hikes and adventures and saying yes to life will bring a smile to my face and be enough... and that I'll be happy with the memories and know I lived a full and not half life.

MAGGIE IN HER LAST YEAR

THE NEXT AMAZING CHAPTER

Maggie May at our favorite Michigan cottage - Spring 2015

***** From my voice journal July 8, 2016
8:07 AM
*****

I'm in the process of listing my place and moving, and I've been going back and forth between doing it and not doing it. And I realize it's more a struggle of staying in a comfort zone, that has been quite wonderful actually for the past 10 years, or seeing new horizons.  But I'm in the city and it's not where I've ever really felt I belonged. And life is short. So I'm thinking it's not so much about staying in my home and moving, but about comfort zones and fear and living in possibility. I'm realizing that is much of the struggle in life... is it so bad to really stay in my comfort zone? I'm mean it's good and amazing and maybe that's what life is calling me to do... stay in the comfort zone. But in moments of quiet... at my core, in my heart, in my gut and in my intuition, I really feel that my chapter here is finishing and I'm being called to see what might be around the next turn and to just take the chance. Life has been so good so far and I really believe there will be more good and amazing things to come. So that's kind of where I'm working myself to - to just taking that leap and seeing what the next amazing thing and chapter will be. And it's a bit bittersweet because my sweet Maggie May - my little fur child and kindred spirit and hiking buddy who passed away 6 months ago - was always supposed to be in this chapter with me. I thought I would do this move much sooner, but as she got older and had issues, I realized it wouldn't be fair to her to have her moving to a new environment and that she deserved her comfort zone in her older years. So I stayed put for her. And I'm glad I did. I'm glad she got to stay in the place she knew her whole life. That in her last years, she got to enjoy the place she loved so much... and I enjoyed it with her. So, I'm getting to the point of  appreciating those lovely blessings. I'm so thankful for the gift of  her, and I'm wrapping her sweet adventurous happy spirit and soul up into mine and taking her with me in my heart on this next chapter.


*** Looking back on this voice journal today May 16, 2018 I could never have foreseen, or even imagined in my wildest dreams, the absolutely unbelievable adventure that was about to take place..... and the way my life - and myself as a person - were about to dramatically change forever.  That's just it.... we never know what is waiting... unless we take that first step and look and see.

Maggie running her favorite Michigan beach - Empire, Michigan

NO APOLOGIES

I don't know about you, but I seem to find myself apologizing for emotions or tears. Lately, I've been apologizing when I shed tears of grief that my Maggie May is gone. It's been a year after all. Why am I still crying and why does my heart still break? But, she was my 1 in a million (I think dog owners always have that extra special one) .... my travel buddy and hiking buddy and confidant and copilot in life - she was my angel with fur... and my model/muse. It is hard having this road adventure without her - my best fur friend. It was such a blessing to be able to open my heart & life up so grandly and largely to this furry soul. To be able to love so deeply is a gift and a blessing. The downside is that the heart break is also so deep.

Somehow I thought one day the missing her would ease, or the tears would stop and the apologies would come when this wasn't the case. What I now realize is that I won't ever stop missing her. And that is OK. When we lose someone (or a furry someone) it's okay to keep missing them, and to keep feeling that empty spot and to be authentic about it all. And it's okay to let someone else in (or another pet) and a new space will be filled, but that other empty spot will always be there. And just letting myself know I will always miss her and will probably always shed tears of joy but also sadness that she is gone, somehow makes me feel better. And I'm going to stop apologizing for all that. And that feels very good, too.

CHANGE

It's been 3 weeks since I took one of the biggest leaps of faith of my life, and I finally have time to sit down and begin writing about it all - to document the journey of where I've been both physically and also the inner journey. I've heard over and over about how brave I am! But life is so short and this was super scary and I'm still figuring it out as I go.  But when I looked back on my life, I did not want to have any regrets or wonder what would have happened "if I had done (fill in the blank)"...

Over a year ago, the idea began forming that I would move. My sweet dog Maggie was supposed to take this journey with me. But she passed away after an amazing time on this earth - we lived so many lifetimes together. And I feel her spirit still with me - ever the sighthound looking ahead to the next adventure.  Bit by bit, I began purging  Elon gongs from my home with the idea of listing my place for sale (or at least to begin living a simple essential life free of clutter). My home was full of natural light and felt like a tree house with birds and wildlife in abundance. It was a beautiful haven in the city.  I called that place home longer than any other in my adult life. For months I struggled with selling and leaving my home. I loved it so & was quite comfortable there. It would have been so easy to stay there, with my friends & wildlife & routine....  But each time I thought I could stay, there was something in my gut saying it was time to go. That inner struggle went on for several months until one day I realized I needed to just take the leap of faith. An adventure was bout to begin!!!! But I tried to have a safe adventure! I had planned a 3 month stay in a furnished rental in an area I knew & loved & surrounded by friends. But my plans fell through at the last minute immediately after my home sale closed, & I was suddenly homeless with my few kept belongings stored at a friends or packed into my car. Adrift.... This was not how I planned or envisioned things. But then life is often full of surprises and hidden gifts.

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LUCID DREAM

My copilot and constant companion Maggie May has been gone 4 months.The amazing times we shared and adventures flew by so quickly. Now, looking back, I wish I had blogged about those adventures for the days when the memories are not as sharp & easy to recall. I read an article several weeks ago that was about regrets. It said the biggest regrets people had in their lives were not things they had done, but rather things they didn't do. That is resonating with me now. Thankfully I have many photographs and videos of Maggie May. But I regret not having written about the amazing lifetimes we lived and lessons learned in our 14 years together. They are all in my heart bound up & tied up in the bond we shared. So now, I have decided that it is better late than never. It is appropriate that I begin a new blog for this new chapter in life I'm learning to navigate without my sweet Maggie May.

I had a dream about her the other night. Have you ever had a dream that was almost not a dream but a form of crossing over or connecting in some surreal way? A dream that was happening exactly in the present time - almost as if you were awake? It was 4 AM and in my dream I awoke and there was a dog next to my bed just staring at me. She was similar in appearance to Maggie, but was a dark chocolate with brindle markings and ears that were more greyhound than Maggie's flying nun ears. I got up and took her downstairs by the collar not sure how she had gotten in or why she was there. As I came to the bottom of the steps and neared the front door, my sweet Maggie came around the corner, looked at me and began wagging her tail. Quickly I opened the door and let the other dog out. I looked at Maggie and said "You can't really be here. This must be a dream because you can't really be here." She came up to me and I wrapped her in my arms, and could actually feel her fur and warmth. I held on wanting to remember it all, but she pulled away to go to the back door. The dream was in color because I remember I got the green leash from the closet to slip over her neck as she did not have a collar. All this was happening at 4 AM in the dream so it was pitch black outside when I opened the door to take her out. When we stepped outside, I saw the other dog there. I went to tell it to leave and then the leash slipped from my hand and Maggie disappeared into the night.

I woke up sitting on the side of the bed.

That "dream" stayed with me all the next day and still now today. A bit unsettling, but also wonderful. So, I have decided to begin blogging again - about Maggie, about adventure, about life and about new beginnings.

Maggie taught me the art of living in the moment and being happy to just be. She taught me about love and trust, about adventures and that the best adventures are shared, that you are never too old for new adventures and that old dogs can indeed learn new tricks. So  it is good to end this first post with a video from our Grand Adventure 1 when Maggie was 13.